35 Practices of Enemy-Love: A Therapy for Being Human
Prepared by Andrew DeCort, PhD
“[We need] an over-all technique for loving [our] enemy. There cannot be too great an insistence on the point that we are here dealing with a discipline, a method, a technique, as over against some form of wishful thinking or simple desiring... At the center of the attitude is a core of painstaking discipline, made possible only by personal triumph.”
Howard Thurman, Jesus and the Disinherited
INTRO
“Love your enemies” was Jesus’s most groundbreaking, innovative teaching (Matthew 5:44; Luke 6:27). Jesus put enemy-love at the very center of his understanding of God and God’s kingdom. In fact, Jesus made loving our enemies mandatory for being children of God.
Moreover, in Jesus’s movement, the ethnic other, religious heretic, and political opponent are no longer seen as “enemies” at all but rather as precious neighbors (Luke 10:25-37). This is one of the reasons why Jesus was so fiercely opposed and ultimately executed by the religious and political gatekeepers of his society (see Luke 23:2).
Loving our enemies is countercultural and challenging. It signals a different kingdom and another way of being human. But it is God’s way and points toward everlasting life with beauty and hope. It is worthy of our most passionate, courageous practice.
The following practices of loving our enemies were compiled from my work and various sources, including the teachings of Jesus, Howard Thurman, Martin Luther King Jr, Jim Forest, Arthur Brooks, and others. I’m grateful to Gregory Khalil and Dr. Russell Johnson for their helpful comments for improving this resource.
GROUND ZERO: Enemy-Love Starts Here
1. Embrace your belovedness.
Our capacity to love others flows out of our accepting awareness that we ourselves are loved as God’s precious children. Pause and receive God’s word, “You are my beloved child; I delight in you” (see Matthew 3:17; Mark 1:11; Luke 3:22). Rooting our worth in God’s love liberates us from needing to feel superior to others in order to secure our identity. In this love, our identity becomes positive and creative, and we can renounce rivalrous identities rooted in reaction and negation (see Practice #18). Embracing our belovedness enables us to surrender this pride that blocks us from connecting compassionately with others, understanding them, and embracing them. The Neighbor-Love Movement’s Self-Love Practices are a tool for this purpose (click on the red “Download” button near the bottom of the page).
2. Get clear on love.
How do you understand love? Love is not fuzzy feelings, happy thoughts, or romantic naivety. Love is a choice, and it’s always relational and rooted in our bodies (Ephesians 5:1-2). It’s passionate will and practical work for others’ wellbeing. Love doesn’t mean necessarily agreeing with others’ ideas or approving of their behavior. It means choosing and acting for their flourishing in ways that they recognize as meaningful and life-giving -- not just me or us. This is why it’s possible to love even our enemies: it’s a choice grounded in a radical commitment to relationship.
3. Decide now.
Make a conscious choice to love the other person or group even when your feelings aren’t ready yet. Make a vow to renounce hate, the desire for the other to suffer or not exist. With time, our feelings catch up with our choices. The Neighbor-Love Movement’s Covenant is a simple way to make this choice; we’ll send you a monthly invitation to renew this life-defining commitment so it doesn’t get left behind or buried in the rubble of conflict.
4. Start with your body.
Loving our enemies begins with our bodies. It’s not just about thinking better thoughts. It’s rooted in how we train our bodies to creatively act and respond in challenging situations. The Neighbor-Love Movement’s 7 Practices describe how to love others with our eyes, ears, hands, mouth, heart, feet, and brain. Make your body your most powerful instrument of loving others.
5. See God and neighbor in enemies.
Whoever your enemy-neighbor(s) may be, whatever they may have done, they are still created by God in God’s image (Genesis 1:26-28). And they are still your neighbor, someone connected to you and bearing value (see Luke 10:25-37). Even those who have made harmful choices and performed evil actions still share the same Creator with us and are our siblings in creation. See the image of God even in your enemy. Howard Thurman called this “attacking the enemy status.” In God’s economy, there are no enemies.
6. Know yourself.
Conflict activates incredibly powerful and complex emotions within us. These emotions may be difficult to understand, process, or even acknowledge. If they become too overwhelming or painful, we may bury or deny them. Still, they influence how we feel, speak, see, and treat others. There’s almost always more prejudice and hate inside of us than we realize. So exploring what’s going on inside of us is a crucial step in loving our enemy-neighbors. This self-awareness helps us understand where we’re really at in our relationship with others and thus to identify the opportunities and challenges for loving them. The Institute for Faith and Flourishing’s Enemy Inventory and Emotional Awareness tool can help you explore the feelings, words, and images within yourself.
7. Count the cost.
Loving our enemy-neighbors is rarely, if ever, popular or easy. You will likely be misunderstood, mocked, or opposed for loving your group’s enemies. Some may see you as confused, disloyal, unfaithful, or ungrateful. They will question your motives. They may even see you yourself as the enemy. So do not expect approval, praise or popularity for loving your enemies. Many people who preached this message -- Jesus, Martin Luther King, Oscar Romero, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, and others -- were killed. Cherish the precious value of obeying God and living a life of love beyond hate more than personal comfort and security.
HEARTWORK: Ways to Check in with Your Own Heart
8. Uproot bitterness.
Loving our enemy-neighbors does not mean denying what they may have done or how we feel. Denial can lead to building frustration, outbursts, and violence. As an alternative, air out and decompress the emotions inside of you through private confession. This can take the form of writing a letter, journal entry, or poem that only you and perhaps a trusted mentor or friend reads. It can take the form of a private conversation with a trusted mentor or friend. Whether you write or speak, the goal is to explore and process what you feel inside without sharing it publicly and thus harming your enemy-neighbors. When you excavate your bitterness, you begin diminishing its power over you. Howard Thurman called bitterness “the heartiest poison that grows in the human spirit.” For love to grow, bitterness must be uprooted.
9. Empathize with your enemies.
Empathy doesn’t mean approval or excuses for harmful ideas, words, and actions. Empathy means seeking a deeper understanding of the other, their experiences, and why they might be doing what they do. What experiences of vulnerability, suffering, or trauma are part of your enemy-neighbor’s story, and how might these experiences be influencing the conflict? What experiences of vulnerability, suffering, or trauma are part of your own story, and how might they be influencing the way you interpret and engage the conflict? What is behind the other’s anger and aggression, or your own? Are there deeper contexts and causes, and have you played a role in them? Wrestling with these questions expands our hearts and minds. They create what Stanford professor Rene Girard called “disruptive empathy.”
10. Examine what draws you to conflict.
What drives you toward conflict and seeing the other as an enemy? Is it conviction, patriotism, fear of being seen as cowardly, boredom, escape from poverty, a cultural expectation, hatred? Increase your awareness of your drives and motivations.
11. Befriend your fear.
Fear builds walls; understanding creates connections. Identify what makes you fear others and explore why. Notice and start working on your fear of what is other or different. Do you dislike what is different just because it’s unfamiliar? Are you triggered by disagreement? Rather than suppressing this energy in yourself, explore it and identify how it can be channeled toward creating respectful, reconciling relationships.
12. Forgive enemies.
When we forgive, we say, “You are more important to me than the pain you caused me. I hold on to you and release your failure.” Forgiveness sets us free from being controlled by the past and those who have harmed us; it sets them free to reimagine themselves and make a new beginning. Regularly pray, “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us” or “Lord, have mercy” to cultivate a spirit of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not forgetting but willfully releasing bitterness. (Jim Forest has a good discussion of forgiving enemies in Loving Our Enemies, 115-121.)
See #6 “Know yourself”
NURTURING RELATIONSHIP: Ways to Relate to Your Enemies
13. Pray for enemies.
Prayer is an act of caring that connects us with others. When we pray, we bring the other before God and ask for their wellbeing. This practice opens our heart to God’s love for them, uproots bitterness, and cleanses hate. It rewires our desire.
Here’s an example prayer: Our Creator, I’m not sure that I want to love my enemies. I confess that it is easier to avoid or attack them with hate. It is uncomfortable and painful to even pray for them. My emotions are difficult to face and manage. But you have given me this choice, and I ask you to bless my enemies. Please heal what is hurting, broken, and causing conflict in them and in me. Deliver us from hatred and empower us to desire one another’s flourishing. We open ourselves to receive Your grace to love, forgive, and seek reconciliation and just relationships. Amen. (See another example prayer here.)
Situations of conflict are inevitable, but they can catch us by surprise and overwhelm us. Start now practicing a simple prayer that can center you and invoke divine Presence in conflict moments. It can be as simple as, “Come, Holy Spirit” or “Blessed are the peacemakers.” Practice preemptive prayer for peace before conflict even gets started.
14. Be nonviolently present.
Jesus taught us to “turn the other cheek” and “go the second mile.” This practice of calm presence courageously refuses to run from aggression but also refuses to mirror or escalate it. It faces injustice while embodying dignity and awakening the aggressor’s conscience. It is present and strong, rather than out of control and aggressive. The story of Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat in a racially segregated bus is a powerful example of this high-quality, calm presence. As Dr. Russell Johnson writes, “Nonviolence is not just about avoiding violence, but finding ways to be present in tense situations in ways that challenge injustice and testify that a better way of being neighbors to one another is possible."
15. Bless enemy-neighbors.
When we bless the enemy, we don’t accept their harmful behavior. But we imagine the other’s well-being and flourishing, and we make the choice to desire them to be well rather than condemned or destroyed. We declare hope. Respond to insults and condemnations with words of dignity, healing, and hope. Doing this shifts our imagination from revenge and fantasizing about the enemy’s suffering to picturing their healing and goodness. Blessing is a powerful practice for uprooting bittner. Protest with words of affirmation and dignity. When Jesus was insulted, he responded with a compliment, and a new relationship was created (see John 1:43-51).
16. Get to know the person behind your enemy.
Do you feel distance growing between you and your enemy-neighbor? Taste their food. Listen to their music. Learn about their culture by reading a book or watching a documentary. Observe one of their holidays. Travel to their neighborhood. Explore what makes them and their family laugh, cry, celebrate, sacrifice. Chip away at their status as an enemy by drawing closer to them in safe, thoughtful ways.
17. Meet the enemy face to face.
The most inspiring practitioners of enemy-love agree that meeting our enemies in person is the most powerful way to overcome enmity and build connection. This practice requires special discernment; in some situations, it may not be wise. But meeting people, asking them thoughtful questions, listening patiently, and sharing presence may shatter stereotypes, chip away at walls, and surprise you with hope. Let your assumptions be challenged by real people. Go into the encounter simply to be present, show kindness, and listen.
SUSTAINING IDENTITY: Peaceable Ways to Strengthen Your Identity
18. Build a positive identity.
We often seek to build our identity by defining who/what we’re not (difference) or who/what we’re against (hostility). Choose to move beyond this negative identity-formation. Build your identity by identifying shared values and practical changes that serve the common good in society. Convert from affirming yourself by rejecting others to affirming yourself by also recognizing others. Shift from, “Us vs. them” to “We are both created human by God.” Or as Nietzche said, “Don’t become a monster to defeat a monster.”
19. Memorize Scripture.
Educate yourself about your Scripture’s sacred call to radical love even for enemies. Find a Scripture that speaks to your heart and memorize it. For example, for Christians, meditate on Jesus’s command, “Love your enemies” (Matthew 5:44; Luke 6:27) or his dying words, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they’re doing” (Luke 23:34). Internalize Christ’s compassion even for the people who crucified him. “Christ has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of enmity… He put to death [our] hostility” (Ephesians 2:14-16). Muslims can memorize powerful verses like “The most virtuous behavior is to engage those who break relations, to give to those who withhold from you, and to forgive those who wrong you” (Hadith Al-Tabarani, 282) and “Shall I tell you what is better than much prayer and sadaqa [giving to the needy]? Mending discord. And beware of hatred -- it strips you of your religion” (Prophet Mohammed, Ibn Anas, Muwatta Malik, Book 47, Hadith 7; Malik 1642).
20. Know your tradition.
Educate yourself in your faith’s formative moral tradition about loving enemies. For example, the early Christian movement affirmed radical respect for human life and quoted Jesus’s command to love our enemies more frequently than other Scripture. They rejected violence and taught that killing another person bars us from taking communion. This source book is a great place to start learning about the earliest Christian tradition: Ronald Sider, The Early Church on Killing: A Comprehensive Sourcebook on War, Abortion, and Capital Punishment (Baker Academic, 2012). The Enemy-Love Reading List has many more suggestions.
21. Ritualize enmity checkups.
For Christians, taking the bread and cup of Communion is an act of remembering Jesus’s self-giving love in the face of murderous hate and violence. Because of this, Paul taught that Christians should examine their hearts before taking communion (1 Corinthians 11:17-34). If they discover conflict with others in their relationships, they should pause taking Communion and seek to reconcile the relationships before resuming the sacrament. Allow Communion or another sacred ritual in your faith to become a moment of interruption, examination, and seeking reconciliation.
22. Examine your media consumption.
“We are what we eat.” Our minds are profoundly shaped by what we regularly read, hear, and see. So how is your media consumption influencing your relationships with others? Is it fueling stereotypes and enemy images? Is it inviting you to embrace a more honest, complex view of people and society? Are you being thoughtful and intentional in the voices you allow to influence you?
DE-ESCALATING CONFLICT: Actions to Take during Conflict
23. Give up insults and humiliation.
Decide now to remove insulting or humiliating words and expressions from your vocabulary. Humiliation only makes people feel attacked and can only escalate conflict. It never helps heal or change minds. Saying, “You’re an idiot!” expresses our emotions and blows off steam (see #9 for a better way to do this); but it is insulting and escalates conflict. Saying, “I strongly disagree with you” expresses opposition but creates the possibility for a meaningful conversation that might lead to more connection and change of mind.
24. Do good to enemies.
Doing good to the enemy recognizes their enduring dignity and embodies our desire for them to be well. It practically declares our humanizing vision and commitment to a different relationship. Doing good is especially powerful when our enemies experience need or suffering. Step out of the crowd and start a positive chain reaction by doing something kind to the enemy. For example, an impoverished Russian woman gave a piece of bread to a German prisoner of war in Moscow during WW2, and the women around her responded the same way after being filled with hate. One simple way to do this online is to follow Arthur Brooks’ five-to-one rule: “Offer five positive and encouraging comments for every criticism, especially on social media.” Howard Thurman called this “crowning” our enemy-neighbors. This act of seeing something positive in them and naming it is disarming, disrupts hostility, and can create openings for connection and a changed relational dynamic.
25. Perform symbolic actions that illuminate freedom and hope.
Respond to criticism or insults with warm-heartedness, a thoughtful question, or seeing what is positive in the other. Abbot Moses[1] the Black walked around with a basket of sand on his back to illustrate how he had sin coming out of him too, so mercy should be shown to the enemy. These symbolic actions spark imagination toward dignity, freedom, and hope.
26. Disobey enemies.
Don’t allow the behavior of others to dictate your behavior (Mt 5:46; Lk 6:32-34). Instead, break the cycle of hate and revenge with your freedom, creativity, and generosity (Lk 6:31). Treating your enemy in the same way that they treated you is an act of obeying and collaborating with them. It only fuels hatred and the desire to destroy. When we resist hatred and violence with love and dignity, we break the pattern and show another way. Loving our enemies is an act of creative disobedience.
27. Attack the problem not the person.
When you disagree with others, refuse to personalize the conflict or attack them. Instead, clarify the attitudes, actions, and/or structures you think are harmful, why you think this, and why an alternative would serve the common good. Then listen patiently to their perspectives. Channel your anger into a positive energy; refuse to express contempt. Martin Luther King said, "It is evil we are seeking to defeat, not the persons victimized by evil."
28. Rebel against bad orders.
Some of the most horrific atrocities in history have been committed against “enemies” in the name of “just following orders.” Choose now not to follow orders that are evil and destructive. Count the cost and commit to holy disobedience.
CREATING CULTURE: Normalize Enemy-Love in Public Life
29. Reconstruct your anthropology.
Humans are created by God with fundamental, equal value. No person or group is fully evil or fully innocent. We are all morally mixed, including ourselves. This is why dehumanization and demonization must be rejected. Dr. King said, “We must recognize that the evil deed of the enemy-neighbor, the thing that hurts, never quite expresses all that he is” (45). Cultivate a mindfulness that is aware of our tendency toward hate and suppression of conscience; notice pride and the desire for greatness that can fuel violence. Violence starts in our attitudes, thoughts, and words, before it manifests in our actions.
30. Celebrate moral heroes.
Celebrate martyrs over soldiers and familiarize yourself with their inspiring stories of love. Use icons of martyrs as reminders of Christ’s call to practice sacrificial love. For example, St. George was martyred by the Roman Emperor, but in his traditional icon, he holds his spear with an open hand (symbolizing that God delivers from evil without violence) and his face is free of anger. Cultivate a counter-imagination with these people’s images and examples.
31. Deconstruct redemptive violence.
The “myth of redemptive violence” is the assumption that we are saved by excluding and/or attacking our enemies. It says that if we can amass enough power and successfully mobilize it against our enemies, peace and prosperity will come. Choose to deconstruct or critically examine this belief. Is it grounded in credible evidence and the most persuasive data? Will imprisoning or killing other people actually make us safe and happy? What are the unexamined costs of violence? Are there nonviolent alternatives that are more effective and sustainable in transforming conflict? Update yourself on what actually works. Harvard Professor Erica Chenoweth’s TEDx Talk “The Success of Nonviolent Civil Resistance” is a great place to start.
32. Mainstream loving enemies.
Talk, post, and teach about your faith tradition’s calls to love enemies, to reconcile conflict, and to seek new beginnings. Promote the challenging teachings to love in your faith that are often ignored or neglected in popular religious culture. Preach or post about them in your community, not as a form of virtue signally, but to share something you believe in and are seeking to live. In the same way that violence must be fueled to spread, love must be fueled to spread. Familiarize yourself with the Albert Einstein Institution’s 198 Methods of Nonviolent Action. Watch the documentary on nonviolent resistance called A Force More Powerful.
33. Notice and think critically about popular trends.
Peer pressure and cultural trends are extremely powerful. But are the popular impulses of people around you wise? Do they honor others’ dignity and hold power accountable? Are you easily influenced and swept up in group pressure? Notice that we often automatically and unconsciously follow others around us, even when they are wrong or unwise (this is rooted in our neurobiology). Stand up to your side’s bullies. Don’t go with the flow when it is contemptuous and destructive.
Debunk false dichotomies. It’s possible that we are suffering, and others are also suffering. It’s possible that they have villains on their side, and that we do too. Popular culture often trains us to see the best in ourselves and the worst in others. Resist these oversimplifications.
34. Challenge stereotypes and dehumanizing labels.
You may not like your enemy-neighbors, but you can still love them and defend their dignity. In situations of conflict, it’s common for jokes, insults, caricaturing images, and other stereotypes to spread. These reduce people to a belittled, despised, or hated group. Notice and challenge these stereotypes. Passionately oppose dehumanizing labels, even for people who do evil. Find a neutral or compassionate term to describe them. For example, Dorothy Day used the term “unfortunates.”
35. Work with “cathedral” time.
A bitter enemy today may become a crucial ally in the future. Resist the false urgency to define a person or group in a single identity. Expand your sense of time in the face of enmity. Conflict takes time and patience to transform. If you rush, you may burn out, so take the long view and incrementally seek healed relationships, while expecting disappointments and setbacks. Jim Forest refers to this as “cathedral time”: some enmities take multiple generations to heal, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be a small part of the process in our lifetime.